Yeah, yeah, we know: Valentine’s Day is a corporate charade, a holiday created in some anonymous, soulless boardroom to perk up the economic doldrums of February. And we shouldn’t let ourselves be jerked around by groupthink, a nation of sheep hijacked by visions of chocolate hearts and long-stemmed roses. And we should be capable of expressing love every day of the year without being ordered to do so.

We know all that, and whatever else you might be thinking. We kind of think it, too.

On the other hand, February is pretty bleary… And chocolate and flowers might be a little clichéd, but, well, they’re also kind of fantastic. And if we didn’t create holidays for the express purpose of forcing ourselves to do what we should anyway, what would we do with all that canned cranberry sauce?

Herewith, we present our playlist, Valentine’s Day: A Survival Guide:

It covers everything from those awkward first fumblings at romance, like “How to Get Someone’s Phone Number,” to slightly more advanced courting maneuvers, like “How to Get Rid of a Hickey.” From flirting to kissing to impressing the parents, our Survival Guide covers the bases of amore… and more.

And yes, if you’re still unconvinced, there’s even a pair of “How to Tell If Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend is Psycho” videos for the Valentine’s Scrooge in all of us.

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